I’ve been taking a lot of time to be reflective the past two months. I haven’t felt much like sharing and social media can be a slippery slope.
I’m still raw from the most recent death transition. The truth is, I loved what AUM was... too much. I did this thing where I sacrificed my entire life to hold space for others to offer their gifts and for the people that were seeking, to receive. I wore my sacrificial martyrdom on my sleeve, often saying how tired I was, how I didn’t have any time, how I was working for a mission that was not about me. I gave and gave. I poured out too much, leaks were everywhere. I spread myself so thin, knowing that I wasn’t doing everything that I wanted to the best of my ability but I was doing it the best that I knew how. I yearned for years and told numerous people that I desired more freedom, pleasure, play, more time with my family. I wanted to desperately figure out how to delegate some of my work responsibilities but I never knew how to pass off what I was doing because my systems for doing it were so inefficient and not worth explaining. I carried the mantras, “I can do it all”, “It will get done right if I just do it myself”. All of it exhausts me now just thinking about it.
The pandemic hit, AUM closed, and I gripped to what I could, quickly transitioning to online classes, filling out every form, and campaigning with everything I had to keep AUM afloat while it all pulled apart, fragmenting at first, then eventually completing shattering into nothing it once was.
What was left was space. A lot of it. Time too.
I have more of it now than I’ve had since I can remember. With this time, I’ve been quietly processing my life and the ways in which I show up in it. I still love AUM. I still believe in it’s potency as a container. I still believe that the work being done in those spaces is necessary, beautiful, and healing.
What I’ve learned is that my time sacrificing so much for others was a necessary stepping stone towards my truth but sacrificing on that level is no longer necessary. I don’t have to do it all. That was a lie I told myself while I was healing. I wasn’t ready to step into the fullness of who I am and so I hid behind my busy-ness. I’m here to lead. I’m here to empower. I’m here to experience this one beautiful life I get in this body. I don’t need to distract myself any further from my mission.
I’ve been working with Spirit (God lives in my soul and whispers to me often) to clean it up, purging what’s no longer necessary, valuable, energetically balanced. I’ve had to let a lot go. Death and birth is afterall, a continuous cycle of growth and release.
What I choose now to devote my time and energy to is more intentional than ever. There’s so much shit out there to distract us from living our best life. They’re just fillers, distractions to keep us disempowered and easy to control. The more we work on building our awareness of what we truly want to feel and experience in this life, the stronger our will gets to live each moment in that truth.
If we all worked on ourselves to figure out what joy and pleasure truly meant to us while simultaneously healing the wounding of living a human life, this world would feel a lot different. We were all designed to thrive here and then someone along the way told us differently. What are you still choosing to believe? Is it your truth or someone else’s?
There’s more than enough. We are infinitely provided for. You don’t need anyone to validate your worth or your life. You alone are responsible for your happiness. What a gift it is to remember. I hope this Summer continues to provide clarity for the Great Awakening. This is a massively important time, an evolution of human consciousness is being birthed. It’s messy, beautiful, tragic, exciting,and painful all in the same.
…..And the people remembered once again, that all life is sacred.