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When The Light Pours In

Thirteen years ago, I took my first studio class and my life began to change. The fear of staying stuck, the fear of drowning in my misery, the fear of wondering if I’d ever truly be happy became unbearable.

Fear is no stranger of mine. I have been afraid of the unknown before. For the majority of my life, I can remember keeping myself small, limiting my mind, and feeling “fine” in my, "I'm about to explode if you look at me wrong, " tough exterior. In the past, I kept myself so confined to my limited beliefs that I convinced myself by the age of sixteen that I was never going to get married and I probably was going to die young.

I perpetuated my early childhood trauma unconsciously. Misery was a friend of mine.

My mind didn’t know that I wasn’t still in a crisis and my body, including my nervous system, stayed trapped in tension, stress, grief, and sadness.

As a child I was sick all of the time because of it. Of course I didn’t know then that that was what it was. Looking back now, my internal landscape was wrought with shame from the silence, guilt for wanting to talk about it, deep sadness for my Mother, and fear, big fear from it all.

Life seemed unbearably cruel for nearly the first three decades of my life.